This Planet Has Issues, Bert

My all-time favorite cartoon about the holidays courtesy of Matt Bradshaw. If you want a giggle, check out his blog Gerbil With a Jetpack. 

Soup is good food and it just might be good medicine

Sometimes, the frequently bought together feature on Amazon is a little weird. Take this example. Laxatives and PAPER TOWELS? What. The. Fuck?

Not judging here. I'm really not. Everyone poops and everyone gets backed up. Frankly, I'm just really curious and little concerned.

Does this product work so well I’ll need not just one but 8 fucking rolls of paper towels? Holy shit! Or epic shit. 

The other thing that caught my eye was the customers who bought this item also bought Campbell's Chunky New England Clam Chowder. 

Given the products it's next to, I'm not sure if it will clear me out, stop me up, or soothe a battered rectum. Perhaps all three. Soup is good food and it just might be good medicine. 

Shameful Secret

Every Sunday, I read PostSecret.com. I get story ideas, character ideas--it just has a tendency to spark things for me. Today, it made me laugh. I do this! I do this every morning when I make eggs. I also have this silicone spoon that makes a great clapping sound against my ass. I pretend it's applause for my fabulous cooking. :)

Maximum Effort!

No, it's not a real book. I've just been struggling with the one I'm writing so I'm looking for distractions. In Long Haul, Jody finds a book in Ryker's truck called Rimjob Rob. I thought I would give it a cover. Clearly, I need therapy.

I don't often talk about my process because, frankly, who cares, but this is what it feels like to work on my current novel:

Yeah. That sums it up better than anything I could ever say. Or type, rather. Still, I will take solace from my spirit animal, Deadpool, and give it the very best I can. Sally forth!

Have You Seen Me?

You've probably seen this guy way too much. I know a lot of M/M readers sure have. In fact, they've seen some cover models so much they made a list on Goodreads and started keeping a tally.

Once I started doing my own covers, I found out why some guys really get around: they're damn near the only game in town. (I'm aware that rhymed but I like it so it stays.)

For a long while, the lack of handsome blond twinks was so extreme that the one kid examining his nails (dubbed Slave Boy on the thread) got slapped on dozens of books. 

Most authors don't do their own covers so they have to describe their characters to a graphic artist, who does their best to link up the description with the offerings at a stock photo site. This can be tricky, especially if the character isn't your typical waxed-within-an-inch-of-his-life beefcake. Seriously. You try to find a red-haired, bushy-bearded giant who looks like a lumberjack and has flour on his face. Good luck with that. (Yes, I do have such a character for the A Fairview Story series. Poor Terry, the owner of Lucky Irish, is just going to have to wait until I can find something for him.)

This brings us to another cover issue: the headless stud. I did this for Earning Rough:

Why? Because the face doesn't always match the body or the character. Frankly, on this one, I had a hard time finding a cover model with chest hair. Here's the guy with his head:

Handsome guy, but way too friendly looking for what I needed. Vincent Rostad is an arrogant, big-cocked Daddy with some hard-core fetishes. This guy looks like he'd rather sit down and rap about your life experiences than give you one that will make you see God.

So, yeah, the cover doesn't always match the contents, and the same model gets around more than click-bait on Facebook, but graphic artists do their best with what stock photos have to offer. At least now the next time you see Tattooed Migraine Sufferer, who I used on the cover of Hot For Teacher, you'll know why.

On the nature of Cum/Come

Well, last week was a big one for me. Er, big in terms of what happened, not big in terms of a bacon orgasm. My offer on the condo was accepted! We close this Friday. I am all kinds of scared and excited. Now, to live there, I will have to make sacrifices--human sacrifices--so line up, people!

No, just kidding. But I do have to make some sacrifices with the internet. It's via satellite, which means it's hideously expensive and I can't stream much of anything. So Netflix has to go (whimper) but Trio suggested I get their DVD service, which I totally forgot all about. I think that's a great idea. It will be like getting little presents in the mail every week.

As to the title of this blog: Trio proofread Hell Frat for me and I was using cum/come interchangeably when I do know better. I heard from Selena Kitt that cum is the noun (Don't get cum in my eye, dude) and come is the verb (I'm going to come) so a fun sentence would be:

Oh, my God, I'm going to come a gallon of cum when I come over there with that bucket of bacon cum.

Yeah, that's pretty nasty so let's just hose everything down.

I also engaged in a very fascinating discussion about the many uses of corn cobs--they aren't just for dildos anymore. For more information on that, please check out Trio's review of Hell Frat.

Idiot Control

With a pickle mind
We kick the nipple beer
Steady as a goat
We’re flying over trout
Ghetto down the highway
At the speed of light
All I wanna feel now
Is the wind in my eyes
Sack of monkeys in my pocket
My sister’s ready to go


Hear the engines roar now
Idiot control now
Hideous control now
Ninny on the road now


Minnie in control
Wheels on fire
Burning rubber tires
Blurry jelly rolls now
Hiddy lets it go now
Needy inches bow down
Pitying a poor boy
Hear the engines roar
Bees on pie
Burning rubber tires

>
Confused? Check out this video on YouTube or stream the entire movie on Netflix.  Season One, Episode 11, Pod People*
*Note: Contains neither pods nor people. Also known as MST3K** Episode 303 Pod People.
**Note: MST3K aka Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Better Call Saul

One of the funniest things I've ever seen!

My weekend plans include binge watching this show. I'm also going to try a few new beers. I'll post pics and reviews.